Blind Guardian tonight

Going to see Blind Guardian at the Worcester Palladium tonight. It's my first time and I'm pretty pumped.

It looks like BG is changing up its setlist from night to night, so I'm not entirely sure what they'll be playing, but a few setlists I've seen include "Born in a Mourning Hall," "Nightfall," "Time Stands Still (at the Iron Hill)", "Lord of the Rings," "Imaginations From the Other Side," "The Bard's Song - In the Forest," and "Valhalla." I'd be psyched to hear those. I'm not so sure about the two opening acts Holy Grail and Seven Kingdoms. Nothing too impressive from what I've heard on Youtube, but cool names though.

I'll post a report later on. If you happen to be there, I'll be the guy with the chain mail hauberk and viking helmet.

Iron Maiden's The Final Frontier: Mediocre metal

Regular visitors to The Silver Key know the high esteem in which I hold Iron Maiden. They are, as I’ve said before and never hesitate to repeat, the greatest heavy metal band of all time. Yeah, even better than Black Sabbath and Judas Priest, man. If you don’t think so, I will fight you.

Which is why it pains me to have to admit to this next bit: Maiden’s latest album, The Final Frontier, isn’t that great. If I had to give it a letter grade it’d be a B-, maybe even a C+. That makes it, in my book, Maiden’s worst album since Fear of the Dark (I don’t count the two Blaze Bayley albums, which, a few good songs mixed in, seem to me written by another band entirely).

You can’t imagine how hard it was for me to write the above paragraph. Criticizing Iron Maiden is not fun. The closest analogy I can make is if J.R.R. Tolkien, were he still alive today, decided to write a sequel to The Lord of the Rings in which Frodo came back from Valinor to go on some other, semi-bland quest to destroy a lesser artifact, in which the fate of Middle-Earth did not hang in the balance.

The Final Frontier is of course technically proficient (this is Maiden, after all). It’s not actively bad. It doesn’t contain any outright stinkers like “Weekend Warrior.” There’s just not much there to recommend it.

Before I go any further, I’d like to make it clear that I’m not one of those guys with a mullet and denim jacket still living in 1985 who thinks that Iron Maiden’s last good album was Seventh Son of a Seventh Son (or perhaps 1984’s Powerslave--there are some internet whackjobs who do hold this opinion, clutching onto it possessively like their vinyl, shrinkwrapped collector copies of Live After Death). I was a fan back in the 80’s and I’m just as big a fan now. Maiden in my opinion did some of their best work during the last decade. Brave New World (2000) was a remarkable return to form for Dickinson and the boys after seven years of separation (Dickinson left the band to pursue a solo career in 1993). Dance of Death (2003) was in my opinion even better. “Paschendale” is brilliant, and “Montségur” and the title track are incredible, too.

Maiden followed up those two releases with 2006’s A Matter of Life and Death, which many fans call their best record since Seventh Son. I got to see them play the whole album live a couple years back and was blown away by war-themed songs like “These Colours Don’t Run,” “For the Greater Good of God,” and “The Longest Day.” All amazing stuff.

But so far I’ve been rather unimpressed with The Final Frontier. It’s not actively bad, and listening to it in my car hasn’t been painful. It’s just—there, like some good background music. It’s lacking any strong, memorable hooks. There’s no killer riffs, no edge.

Maiden has always kicked off its albums with a throat-grabbing, fast-driving hit. Even 1990’s rather poor No Prayer for the Dying led off with the kick-ass “Tailgunner.” “Satellite 15…The Final Frontier” is four and half minutes of bland instrumentation and sound effects, followed by the four minute “The Final Frontier,” which is … merely workmanlike. If “El Dorado” is supposed to be the big single from the album, and I suspect it is, it’s only okay, too. “El Dorado” also isn’t helped by the fact that Bruce’s voice sounds a little strained.

I do like a few songs on The Final Frontier. “Isle of Avalon” is a nice long song, moody, with some great lyrics, and it holds a high standard throughout. But it just doesn’t deliver the shattering chorus I was hoping for. “The Man Who Would Be King” has an epic two minute buildup to … more mediocrity. I feel the same about “When the Wild Wind Blows.” With its apocalyptic lyrics and a terrific bass line by Steve Harris, it has the potential for serious epic—but falls just short. These are great songs to listen to as background music but not to bang my head or weep over, as I have done for “Paschendale” and “These Colours Don’t Run.” Something just seems missing.

The thoughtful, personal lyrics of “Coming Home” make it a decent enough song (it seems like it would make a nice fit on one of Dickinson’s underrated solo albums). “The Alchemist” is a fine, hard-driving little song. But a couple of other tracks are rather painful. I find the chorus of “Mother of Mercy” so repetitive as to be unbearable. “Starblind” and “The Talisman” are just there, and encapsulate a lot of the problems I have with this album. Some good material stretched out too far.

I do want to conclude with a whimpering, suck-up statement and say that I haven’t given up on The Final Frontier yet. I’m still holding out hope that it will be a deep and slow grower, an album that takes multiple listens to get into (I’ve been tied up with some audio books and Blind Guardian’s At the Edge of Time and haven’t given The Final Frontier as many listens as it deserves). But so far, I haven’t been blown away, and I’m sad to report that Maiden seems to be merely mortal on this one. But that’s okay—no one, not even the great Iron Maiden, can bat 1.000.

20 years of KISS—and counting

What in me is dark

Illumine, what is low raise and support,

That to the height of this great argument

I may assert eternal Providence,

And justify the ways of KISS to men.

—Unnamed KISS fan

Twenty years ago I attended my first KISS concert at the Great Woods Performing Arts Studio in Mansfield, MA. It was the Hot in the Shade tour. KISS’ big hit at the time was “Rise to It” (though “Hide Your Heart” and the power ballad “Forever” were making the airwaves, too).

I was so pumped for that show and KISS did not disappoint. I still remember Paul Stanley’s command, “If life is a radio, turn it up to 10!” I listened to Paul and obeyed.

That night I rose to the greatness that is KISS and I’ve never come down. Over the years I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve seen them—a dozen or more probably. I’ve worn KISS makeup to concerts. One of my favorite memories is going through the drive-through at Burger King with three other guys, all wearing KISS makeup. Before we drove out the cashier had called over every employee in the restaurant to gawk at us through the narrow window.

Twenty years later—tonight, in fact—I’m returning to the same Mansfield stomping grounds to see them again. No makeup this time, but I’m still feeling the same old excitement.

KISS was the first band that I fell in love with and claimed as my own. I was 14 or so when I bought my first KISS cassette tape, Crazy Nights. Here was a band that instilled me with a sense of rebellion while also paradoxically inviting me to be part of something big and cool, the KISS Army. From “Crazy Nights”: “They try to tell us, that we don’t belong, but that’s all right, we’re millions strong!”

Although those years are long gone I still love KISS. I’ll never make the claim that they’re the best musicians. Far from it. KISS has had a couple okay guitarists over the years (Ace Frehley pre-booze, Bruce Kulick, Vinnie Vincent) and Eric Carr was a decent drummer, but that’s it. Nor have they written any deep or meaningful lyrics. I mean, have you ever tried listening to the mess that is The Elder?

But I consider this latter "shortcoming" a strength. I still have a chip on my shoulder about grunge bands, mainly because so many of them took themselves way too seriously. I loathe whiny, “my life sucks” lyrics, and personally I see no appeal in attending a concert to listen to that crap.

KISS is all about fun. Their lyrics are an absolute joy, at times approaching a Spinal Tap level of ridiculousness. For example, again from Hot in the Shade, here’s “Read My Body”:

Read my body
Are the letters big enough?
Read my body
Do you like the book of my love?
Read my body
Turn the page, get to the good stuff

KISS also always puts on a great stage show. Yeah, Gene Simmons is an absolute merciless capitalist, but so what? At least he’s open and honest about it. And KISS always delivers.

A review could be coming; we’ll see how I feel.

Remembering Ronnie James Dio, grandfather of heavy metal

This is your life
This is your time
What if the flame won’t last forever
This is your here
This is your now
Let it be magical

Who cares what came before
We’re only starlight

Once upon the time
All the world was blind
Like we are

This is your life
This is your time
Look at your world
This is your life

–"This is Your Life,” Ronnie James Dio

In my opinion the late Ronnie James Dio was none other than the grandfather of heavy metal. Many if not most metal fans would probably cry blasphemy and choose to bestow that honor upon Ozzy Osbourne; not me. I like Ozzy, but Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler were the true creative forces behind the classic Black Sabbath albums (In fact, I’d be more willing to listen to a case for Iommi, whom Judas Priest frontman/Metal God Rob Halford credits as having invented the heavy metal riff).

Metal’s grandfather? It could be Ozzy. It could be Iommi. It may even be Halford. Judas Priest has been around nearly as long as Black Sabbath and arguably have enjoyed a more successful and consistent career. But I will make the case for Dio.

Dio’s death this past Sunday from stomach cancer was a huge loss for metal. It might be the genre’s biggest loss ever. The death of Randy Rhoads and AC/DC’s Bon Scott were tragic, but at 25 the former’s career was only beginning, and the latter was a singer in a band I consider rock, not metal. Your mileage may vary, of course, but off-hand, I can’t think of anything even close to the loss of Dio.

To read the rest of this post, visit The Cimmerian Web site.

Ronnie James Dio: Putting the sword to the dragon of cancer, still defying the ravages of time

—The best steel goes through the fire

Ronnie James Dio, Hide in the Rainbow

If you’re a fan of heavy metal music, you’re probably aware that legendary frontman Ronnie James Dio, 67, is in the midst of a grim battle against stomach cancer. On November 25, 2009, Dio’s wife broke the news and announced that he was starting immediate treatment at the Mayo Clinic. Her message: Dio was ready to fight back, tooth and nail, to achieve victory against this dreaded disease:

After he kills this dragon, Ronnie will be back on stage, where he belongs, doing what he loves best, performing for his fans. Long live rock and roll, long live Ronnie James Dio. Thanks to all the friends and fans from all over the world that have sent well wishes. This has really helped to keep his spirit up.

Fortunately for metal fans, it’s a battle Dio appears to be winning. The latest news according to Dio’s web site is that the man who made the sign of the horns a household symbol recently had his seventh chemotherapy treatment, and that the main tumor in his stomach has shrunk considerably. I hope it’s a fight he ultimately wins and that one day we’ll see him back on stage, belting out Holy Diver while wielding a two-handed sword.

At this point you may be thinking, that’s cool and all, but why write about Dio on a web site devoted to the works of Robert E. Howard, J.R.R. Tolkien, and other authors?

To which I would answer: Have you ever listened to Dio’s lyrics? They’re fantasy fiction set to music, man.

To read the rest of this post, visit The Cimmerian Web site.

Blogging The Silmarillion: Of Blind Guardian’s Nightfall in Middle-earth

In this week’s Blogging the Silmarillion, I’ve decided to take a temporary detour into two tastes that taste great together: Heavy metal and J.R.R. Tolkien. Following is a review of Blind Guardian’s Nightfall in Middle-earth, aka. The Silmarillion with electric guitars.

I can’t speak for all readers of The Cimmerian and The Silver Key, but back when I was in high school—circa 1987-91—there was a bright line drawn between fantasy fiction and heavy metal. The former was the province of D&D-playing nerds, and the latter was for bad-asses who hung out in the back parking lots, wore denim and smoked cigarettes. And never the twain shall meet.
This divide was equal parts myth and reality, of course. Some people liked both. For example, I always prided myself on having one foot in each camp, and I was not alone—most of my friends were into metal, and many were also fans of books like The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever.

In addition, you could find a few examples of successful metal-fantasy alliances back then. For example, Iron Maiden attracted both stoners and readers alike with songs like “Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” “Alexander the Great,” and “To Tame a Land” (the latter was a song about Frank Herbert’s novel Dune). Black Sabbath’s album Heaven and Hell (fronted by Ronnie James Dio) had plenty of fantasy imagery in its lyrics, too.

Still, in the main, the two camps were on opposing sides of the battle-line, perennially at odds like the forces of Gondor and Minas Morgul.

After high school I lost touch with the day-to-day happenings in the heavy metal scene. I kept listening to bands like Maiden and Judas Priest, but I stopped paying attention to new trends and upcoming bands. Specifically, I failed to keep up with a new metal force rising like a steel wave out of the heart of Europe, until I woke up one day to find that heavy metal and J.R.R. Tolkien had inexplicably become bedfellows. The unholy offspring of this unlikely coupling was the 1998 album Nightfall in Middle-earth by Blind Guardian.

To read the rest of this post, visit The Cimmerian Web site .

Cimmerian sighting: Iron Maiden's The Trooper

(Note: Over at The Cimmerian, fellow blogger Deuce Richardson asked if we could supply posts to commemorate October 25th, which has resounded throughout military history as a date for epic, bloody battles. Following is my tribute to a famous charge and the heavy metal song that immortalized it, at least in my eyes).

Not everyone who comes to appreciate history arrives via the same path. Some have their interest piqued in school by reading traditional textbooks. Others learn from wisdom passed down in tales told by grandparents and great-grandparents. Still others get hooked from watching the (occasionally) fine programming of the History and Discovery channels.

Then there are those who learned about great historic battles at the feet of those long-haired, spandex-encased professors of heavy metal, Iron Maiden. I count myself in this crowd. ‘Twas Maiden who got me more interested in learning about the horrific World War I battle of Paschendale. ‘Twas Maiden that helped provide the impetus for my lifelong love of World War II with their take on the Battle of Britain, “Aces High.” And of course, it was Maiden that helped spark my interest in that famous engagement of the Crimean War, the charge of the Light Brigade at Balaklava.

This insane, glorious charge of horsemen into the roaring mouths of Russian guns was of course made famous by British poet Alfred Tennyson in his poem “The Charge of the Light Brigade.” But for those denim-jacketed outcast teens growing up in the 80’s, the Charge was immortalized by Maiden in their smash-hit, “The Trooper.” I've always thought of Iron Maiden as the heavy metal band that catered to the semi-nerdy crowd. If you were smart, you liked history and of course you liked Iron Maiden.

To read the rest of this post, visit The Cimmerian web site.

Highwayman: With more songs like this, I might be a country fan

I was a highwayman

Along the coach roads I did ride

With sword and pistol by my side

Many a young maid lost her baubles to my trade

Many a soldier shed his lifeblood on my blade

The bastards hung me in the spring of twenty-five

But I am still alive.

--Highwayman

As is well-known by anyone who reads this blog, I'm a heavy metal fan--and I always will be. But I do take forays into other genres of music from time to time. Country typically is not one of them.

I like country in principle, but very often not in execution. I enjoy its trappings: the old west, cowboys, guns, horses, are all cool. But I find the music a)Too similar sounding; and b) Too much concerned with the here and now of lost loves, lost jobs, lost youth, etc. There's too much pining and whining in its lyrics and not enough heroic adventure or imagination. I wish there was more Louis L'Amour and Unforgiven in country music and less Dixie Chicks and George Jones.

But I can't say enough good things about the song Highwayman by the supergroup of the same name (The Highwaymen, which consisted of legends Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, and Johnny Cash). If more country sounded like and had the lyrics of Highwayman I'd be a raging fan.

The bad-ass lyrics of Highwayman could have been stripped from the pages of a Jack London novel or Robert E. Howard story, or perhaps more accurately a few of Michael Moorcock's Eternal Champion stories. The song crosses time and history, telling the story of the soul of a wandering spirit who at various times in his life is a coach-robbing highwayman, a sailor on a schooner, a high-risk dam builder, and eventually a starship pilot. The spirit of the rugged individualist and salt of the earth laborer is in each man, reincarnated again and again through history when he dies. You can almost believe in an afterlife when you hear this song.

There's an excellent live version of Highwayman here on Youtube. Check it out and let me know what you think. As much as I like Cash, Jennings steals the performance with his one of a kind pipes.

Tears of the Dragon: How Bruce Dickinson helped rescue heavy metal

The year was 1994. Heavy metal was arguably at its nadir. Iron Maiden and Judas Priest were without their lead singers, Metallica had sold out, and Queensryche released Promised Land (yuck). The pretentious, overrated grunge scene (now deader than a doornail, I gloat with savage glee) had knocked metal from its long-held reign on the music throne. Flannel, hackey-sacks, and greasy hair were king, and denim and black t-shirts were out. I was still a card-carrying member of heavy metal, but my spirits and my optimism for the genre’s future were admittedly at their lowest ebb.

But in the midst of that dreadful year a song arrived to lift my spirits like a winged angel: Bruce Dickinson’s “Tears of the Dragon.” When I first heard this song (on the now-extinct Headbanger’s Ball) it brought a lump to my throat, so majestic and amazing were its power and vocals. Like a razor-sharp broadsword, Dickinson’s unmistakable voice cut straight through the Nirvana/Pearl Jam/Alice in Chains pabulum that the rock stations were shoving down our throats.

This clip from Youtube features Dickinson performing “Tears of the Dragon” in a studio, accompanied only by an acoustic guitar. There’s no faking it here, no pop-princess soundboard-smithing of his voice, just raw power and beauty. I encourage you to listen to it.

Alas, the rest of the album on which “Tears of the Dragon” appears (Balls to Picasso) ultimately proved rather weak and largely forgettable, but this song alone made the album worth owning. And “Tears of the Dragon” proved to be a harbinger of several more great solo efforts to come from Dickinson.

For those completely unfamiliar with heavy metal, Dickinson is the lead singer of Iron Maiden. Dickinson has always been an amazing singer and performer. Early in his career he could hit any note, regardless of how long or high. For proof, I offer this early live clip of him singing arguably the greatest heavy metal song ever written, Hallowed be thy Name.

But following some long tours with Maiden Dickinson’s voice seemed to deteriorate. His lowest point was No Prayer for the Dying or perhaps A Real Dead One, two albums on which his pipes sounded rough and strained. Shortly after Maiden released the uninspired Fear of the Dark in 1992, Dickinson left the band. It was a good time for a split by both sides—Bruce needed a break, and the band’s songwriting needed a recharge.

After Balls to Picasso came Skunkworks, another Dickinson solo album for which I’ve never acquired a taste. But then came Accident of Birth, in my opinion a home run. That was followed by The Chemical Wedding, the equivalent of a ninth-inning walk-off grand slam. It’s really that good, one of the best heavy metal albums of the 1990’s.

Dickinson’s voice alone does not explain his success. Other singers are as gifted or nearly as gifted as the Air Raid Siren. Rather, it’s his ability to weave powerful lyrics and themes that cut to the soul. The Chemical Wedding’s "Jerusalem" and its title track, Accident of Birth’s "Darkside of Aquarius" and "Man of Sorrows", and Tyranny of Souls’ "Kill Devil Hill" and title track are amazingly well-sung and well-written. If you’re a heavy metal fan and you don’t own these albums, buy them now. Heck, if you don’t like metal but can appreciate great singing, hunt them down on Youtube and listen/see for yourself.

When you combine an ability to write great music with a voice from the angels—or perhaps more accurately, ripped from the throat of a screaming banshee—you have a recipe for greatness. Pardon my man-gushing, but Dickinson really is, in my opinion, heavy metal’s greatest talent. Did I mention he's also a published author, licensed airplane pilot, and a one-time world-class fencer? What can't the man do?

Dickinson returned to Iron Maiden in 1999 for the Ed Hunter tour (I saw them in the small Orpheum Theatre in Boston that year and will never forget the show, which featured great music and heatstroke-inducing 100-plus degree temperatures). In 2000 Maiden released its first album with Dickinson back as lead singer, Brave New World. It was a great return to form for both he and the band. After another Maiden album in 2003 (Dance of Death), Dickinson released his sixth and most recent solo effort, Tyranny of Souls, in 2005.

Heavy metal, Iron Maiden, and Bruce Dickinson are back and better than ever. While I hope Maiden keeps cranking out the albums (A Matter of Life and Death is a great one), here’s hoping that the man who helped rescue metal from a dark age brings us more great solo efforts in the coming decade.

The Devil You Know: A review

Maybe if we cry together
Maybe if we cry as one
The tears that fall can kill
the fire
And keep everyone from
Atom and evil

--Heaven and Hell, Atom and Evil

I am one of those rare breeds who prefers the Ronnie James Dio-fronted Black Sabbath to the Ozzy Osbourne years (I acknowledge Black Sabbath's early greatness, but my favorite album remains Heaven and Hell). So it was with great anticipation of another Dio-Tony Iommi collaboration that I bought The Devil You Know.

After a couple play-throughs, The Devil You Know is what I would consider a slow burn--nothing jumps out at you at first listen, but it seems to get better with each subsequent spin. Still, I can't shake the feeling that, after waiting for 14 or so years since the last Black Sabbath album (1995's Cross Purposes), and 17 years since the last Ronnie James Dio-fronted Sabbath album (1992's Dehumanizer), I wanted something that immediately grabbed me by the throat. Sadly, there's no pulse-pounding Neon Knights to be found.

There is at least one bona-fide awesome song on this album, Bible Black. If you've ever heard Sign of the Southern Cross or Children of the Sea, Bible Black is in that same epic vein--a slow, melodic, acoustic intro, followed by an explosion of sound and Dio lauching into the song with his inimitable voice. My other favorites on the album are shaping up to be Atom and Evil (both a biblical allusion and a warning about unchecked nuclear proliferation), Follow the Tears, and Neverwhere.

The rest of the songs are solid if rather unspectacular, though I hope that changes with subsequent listens. As of now, the only ones that I'd rate as sub-par are Rock and Roll Angel and Eating the Cannibals.

Dio's voice doesn't have quite its old range and power anymore, but at 66 years old he's still pretty damned amazing. And if he's lost a little off his fastball he sounds arguably more evil and "metal" than ever, if that makes sense. The guy is a metal god, as is Iommi and bassist Geezer Butler, who pound out some awesome riffs on the album. The sound of the album is dark and bass-heavy, about what you'd expect. Iommi also launches into a couple memorable guitar solos (remember those?)

It's worth noting that the title of album and its artwork are a clever play on words and images--Black Sabbath is of course known for its use of satanic lyrics, but the band itself is the "devil" all metal fans know and love so well. The cover art (see below post) is exceptional, and appears to fuse both traditional Black Sabbath imagery and the Dio Sabbath/solo years. I might be reading into the image too much, but I can't help but feel that the long-horned demon bears more than a passing resemblance to the devil creature on Holy Diver and a handful of Dio's other solo albums.

Heavy metal heresies

Courtesy of my heavy metal (electric) eye in the sky, Falze, here are two recent items of metal interest too juicy to pass up.

1. Dio-slagging Black Sabbath review.

I'm normally a pretty level-headed guy, but there are a few commonly held misconceptions out there that are so wrong that I can't resist stomping them out whenever I see them rear their misguided heads. These include:

1. Fantasy is for children
2. Bruce Campell is not the best actor of his generation
3. The Dio Black Sabbath years sucked

It's the latter of these three which has my current ire, courtesy of this wrong-headed review of Black Sabbath: The Rules of Hell by AP writer Chris Talbott.

Now, I can't say I disagree with Talbott's central premise: that another best-of Sabbath album is not necessary. The only band less in need of another best-of album is probably KISS. So I'm good with the first two paragraphs.

Then we're hit with this monstrous stupidity:

Five-disc "The Rules of Hell" covers the overbaked Ronnie James Dio years, an exercise that wasn't really necessary for posterity's sake. By the time the band fired Osbourne, there wasn't much of interest left musically and Dio mostly disappoints.

Excuse me? Dio "mostly disappoints?" Has this dude heard of Heaven and Hell, for my money Sabbath's best album ever, or Mob Rules? "Wasn't much of interest left musically?" Dude, Sign of the Southern Cross and Children of the Sea were an evolution in structure and sound from the Ozzy years. They're musical marvels.

This next quip caused by blood to boil:

But there's no need to lob insults at the ever worshipful camp of Dio fans. Like those Van Halen fans who prefer Sammy Hagar over David Lee Roth, just smile and nod your head when they talk.

I don't know how to respond to this one, only to state the obvious: Dio is a metal god. If you think otherwise we will duel at dawn. With broadswords, of course.

I've got two words for anyone who thinks the Dio Sabbath years were overrated: Die Young.

Disclaimer: that's not a threat, it's a title of an excellent, Dio-fronted Sabbath tune.

2. Lindsey Lohan in an Iron Maiden t-shirt.

I'm conflicted about this. I don't know a darned thing about Lohan or her music tastes. She may be a raging metalhead for all I know, in which case she has every right to walk around with Eddie on her bosom.

But I seriously doubt that's the case. Come on, you expect me to believe that Lindsey Lohan belts out Hallowed be thy Name while tooling around L.A. in her sportscar?

Here's what I really think. Iron Maiden has become one of those "retro-cool" bands that

a. Are hip to reference; and
b. Are a fashion statement (in an emo-sense)

Of course, you must do both ironically. You can name-drop Iron Maiden or wear their t-shirts, but you have to laugh it off. And, you must not under any circumstances actually listen to their music or admit to really liking Iron Maiden, because, well, that would make you decidedly "uncool."

I get the strong feeling this is why Lohan is wearing this t-shirt.

On the other hand, she looks so damned good in it, twice as good as any chick I've ever seen at an Iron Maiden concert (or any heavy metal concert, for that matter), that I'm willing to give her a free pass.

Lindsey, rock on. I'll meet you at 22 Acacia Avenue.

Fargo Rock City is hair metal heartache

Give Chuck Klosterman a lot of credit: It takes talent to write a book that is so compulsively readable, intensely personal, and relentlessly engaging it's almost impossible to put down, and at the same time is so close-minded, indecisive, and well, flat-out incorrect on some matters that you also want to toss it through the nearest window.

These were the emotions I wrestled with while reading Fargo Rock City: A Heavy Metal Odyssey in Rural North Dakota. Would I recommend the book? Absolutely. The nostalgia and Klosterman's insights are worth the price of admission.

But if you're a fan of "real" heavy metal, be prepared to get angry.

Let me start by saying that Fargo Rock City is mistitled. For one, it's not actually set in Fargo, but details the author's years as a teenage rocker in the nearby town of Wyndmere. But that's hardly important. What is important, is, well, it's not really about heavy metal. It's about hair metal, and for anyone who knows a damned thing about metal, there's a big difference.

Klosterman's purpose for writing Fargo Rock City was to write a book about the cultural impact of heavy metal from a fan's perspective. It's a great concept, except that Klosterman only likes bands like Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, Poison, Warrant, Def Leppard, and Cinderella. He does a terrific job explaining why their music deserves greater recognition and played a huge role in his formative teenage years, and continues to do so. He takes long overdue shots at pretentious music critics who turn up their noses at metal and try to pretend the whole damned genre never existed. He exhorts fellow metal fans, now in their 30's and 40's, to shed their guilt and proudly proclaim their love for metal.

Awesome! I'm on board!

But then Klosterman essentially slags all of the rest of metal, the real stuff at its best. Bands like Judas Priest, Motorhead, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Slayer, and Megadeth, not to mention death metal, power metal, black metal, etc. are either overlooked or treated with outright contempt. Which kind of groups Klosterman in with the same types of pretentious music critics that he himself takes delight in skewering.

Still, I do highly recommend this book as a fun, lively, engaging read. It's certainly $12 I don't regret spending. As I read it, I felt compelled to jot down or highlight some of the stuff that got my head nodding in agreement or my blood pressure soaring (which is generally a strong sign of a worthwhile read). Here are a few:

The Good

It evokes intense bouts of nostalgia. For the record, I don't hate hair metal. Far from it. I'm a big fan of KISS, and there's lots to love about Guns and Roses, Def Leppard, and Motley Crue. Klosterman's passion for this style of music is contagious, and his recollection of the 1980's small-town metal lifestyle--cruising aimlessly around in cars, listening to tapes (not CDs or records, but tapes, damn it), feeling bad-ass without actually being bad-ass, being on the "inside" of a genre of music reviled by not only your parents, but radio stations, mass media and all "those people" that just didn't get it--rings true. I remember those days with fondness.

He nails the definition of glam metal. Klosterman calls it an appeal to an unspoken lifestyle, that of living the life of a bad-ass, hard-partying rocker. I'm still convinced that metal fans were as much in love with the image and the idea of metal as they were the sound.

He has a good taste in glam metal. Klosterman sings the praises of Cinderella and Guns and Roses, undoubtedly the two best bands in the hair metal genre. His favorite album and one he feels best represents what glam metal is all about is Appetite for Destruction (agreed). He says Long Cold Winter may have been one of the best albums of the 1980s in any genre. Again, no quarrels from me.

His criticisms of alternative music are dead-on. The "Seattle wave" may have knocked metal off of its pop culture pedestal and sent it sprawling on its bloated ass, but the grunge/alternative message that replaced metal was, at its core, hollow and phony. And, unlike Poison and Winger, it wasn't even fun: Says Klosterman:

"Bret Michaels was important because he never tried to be; he just wanted to be cool, which was once the single biggest goal in my life. Too many of those indie bands were consumed with the misguided belief that their destiny was to recalibrate the American mind; they tried to hard to seem significant."

The Bad

He consistenly conflates hair metal with heavy metal. Klosterman: "Every style of music has its own philosophy of ethics. Heavy metal's philosophy was about getting wasted as possible and walking into a room with a bimbo on both of your arms." Um, excuse me? Not that I'm opposed to that philosophy, and it may be true of hair metal, but it's not true of a great number of heavy metal acts. I love to party and act stupid, too, but I like to think that metal--or at least some metal--is about something more than "Don't need nothing, but a good time." But it seems that bands who don't drink themselves into oblivion or bang everything that moves are beneath the author.

He misunderstands and often trashes real heavy metal. Klosterman describes Iron Maiden as "boring and self-consciously complex," and the lyrics "more comedic than poetic." He also claims that Maiden became an elite band due to Eddie, their mascot. He cannot seem to grasp what makes Maiden a great band, and why they've been at it successfully for 30 years while burying his favorite bands (GNR, Def Leppard, etc.) in the process.

Sure, Klosterman admits to liking the occasional Priest, Sabbath, and Metallica song. But you know it's all an act when he makes statements like "The Mob Rules was the only decent post-Ozzy Sabbath tune." Tell that to the crowds still turning out to see Heaven and Hell, Klosterman.

...and the Ugly

He has bands like Warrant and Bon Jovi on his "desert island" list of must-have albums. Remind me to bring a straight razor the next time I take a cruise, in case I ever get marooned with this guy. Suicide is preferable to "Down Boys" anyday.

This statement: Klosterman actually wrote that "Idiots always say that Metallica "sold out" between ...And Justice For All and their eponymous 1992 Black Album, but that's nothing compared to their evolution from 1983's Kill 'Em All to 1984's Ride the Lightning."

This is so dumb, I don't know where to begin. First of all, Metallica did sell out on the Black Album, and it's not even debateable--it's a goddamned scientific fact that can be proven in laboratory tests. Second of all, there is a big difference between an evolution in sound, which is the result of maturity (Metallica was extremely young in the 'Kill Em All days), and a conscious decision to abandon one's sound and metal roots in a blatant attempt to sell more records. Which is exactly what Metallica did in 1992.

He is a mass of contradictions. Klosterman sets out in Fargo Rock City to elevate heavy metal as a genre as worthy of study and respect as any other era/style of music. He has no problem psychoanalyzing Ozzy or Axl Rose, and at one point he even compares (seemingly without irony) GNR Lies to the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. But he backtracks on this stance several times, often settling for weak and ironic self-deprecation. For instance, he claims "serious" metal fans are unlikeable. He takes shots at the New Wave of British Heavy Metal (NWOBM) movement, claiming it was not fresh, not likeable, and needlessly complex. He claims hair metal is superior because it's more fun and more rocking.

In other words, when you get right down to it, Klosterman frowns on the act of applying rigor to an analysis of metal. He later ridicules most rock fans for being idiots, because they don't understand that they're consuming a form of media made to appeal to the masses. What we have in the end is author who undercuts his own high-minded arguments for why he wrote the book in the first place. And finally:

He thinks Animalize is the best non-makeup KISS album. Enough said.

Conclusion

In summary, how can Fargo Rock City claim to be a treatise on the defense of heavy metal while completely leaving 3/4 of heavy metal out of the discussion, save for taking a few cheap swipes at it? Klosterman is brilliant when he writes about hair metal and its appeal--the girls, the booze, the fun, the empowerment, and the idyllic, wild lifestyles of singers like Axl Rose and David Lee Roth. But he totally whiffs on what makes bands like Maiden and Dio great. If glam brought the fun, the real metal bands delivered fantasy, imagery, power, storytelling, incredible singing, and superb musicianship--in other words, a very different form of entertainment than that offered by hair metal, but certainly no less worthy of respect or analysis.

It's really too bad, and in the end it's a severe shortcoming of a book that could have/should have struck deeper power chords.

Rediscovering Rush: Musings after a July 11 concert in Manchester, NH

Any escape might help to smooth

The unattractive truth

But the suburbs have no charms to soothe

The restless dreams of youth

--Rush, Subdivisions

At one time I was unbelievably passionate about Rush, the venerable Canadian progressive rock trio known for such hits as "Tom Sawyer," "Spirit of Radio" and "Limelight." But in the last few years my ardor had cooled quite a bit and I had largely stopped listening to them.

Given my age (35), upbringing (a suburb of Boston), and college education, it's no surprise that I was a huge fan of Rush back in the 1980's and 1990's. Although they attract all manner of fans, they seem to have a special appeal to folks who enjoy thought-provoking lyrics and technical musicianship--the nerd crowd, in short. For a long time Rush had the honor of being among my top three favorite bands (Iron Maiden and KISS sharing those other spots).

Rush put out a string of terrific albums over a 20-year span of their career, starting with their 1974 self-titled release all the way up until (in my opinion) 1993's Counterparts. But I wasn't nearly as impressed with later efforts Test for Echo (1996) or Vapor Trails (2002). When Rush released Snakes and Arrows in 2007 I had pretty much stopped caring and didn't even bother to try and listen to it.

But there was more to my recent separation from Rush than just a cool reaction to their recent albums. I like bands with which I can form an emotional attachment, and for a while Rush was the soundtrack of my life and spoke the messages I wanted to hear. I was the surburban teenager under pressure to "be cool or be cast out," and the young man with big dreams and tough realities leaving college:

Proud swagger out of the schoolyard, waiting for the world's applause, rebel without a conscience, martyr without a cause

But as the years went on I started to lose interest in Rush's message. Even their indisputably great albums--2112, Moving Pictures, Permanent Waves--were no longer getting play on my CD player. I was working, getting married, having kids, etc., and I no longer felt as connected to the music. Or perhaps it was simple overload and burnout, having listened the heck out of their albums for years. In July of 2002 I saw Rush on the Vapor Trails tour (my seventh Rush concert) and recall feeling afterwards that, while the show was good, I had seen these guys enough. My Rush CD collection soon developed a layer of dust.

Fast forward six years to 2008. A couple weeks ago my wife bought me a surprise pair of birthday tickets for a July 11 show at the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, NH. I had no idea the tickets were even coming and I had even less idea how I'd react to seeing Rush in concert once again.

As a concert-going geek (who has had to cut way back on the number of shows I attend due to soaring prices and competing interests), normally when I attend a show I like to "build up" to it by listening to the band's albums and watching video of concert performances, videos, etc. But I didn't have the luxury of doing that with Rush: I was on vacation until July 7 without a computer (no Youtube) and my Rush CDs were all at home. My birthday falls on June 26 and barely two weeks later, the show was here. My geeky routine was all out of whack.

But it didn't matter. On Friday my wife and I were headed into the show and suddenly, although I had no expectations, I felt the excitement begin to build. Perhaps it was the contagion of the enthusiastic mass of concert-goers all heading inside, but I soon realized that it was just the simple happiness of seeing Rush in concert once again.

I'm glad to say that I was not disappointed by the show. Although I didn't know any of the Snakes and Arrows material, Rush sounded great, and I actually became a fan of the Main Monkey Business, an incredible instrumental off of their new album.

But the audience's strongest reaction came during their classic material. The best song of the night for me was "Subdivisions," which the band absolutely nailed. As Geddy Lee hit the familiar opening synth notes one of the three on-stage projection screens zoomed in on his hands, another showed an overhead of Neil Peart's drum kit, and a third focused on Alex Lifeson's guitar work. The net effect was tremendous. Damn, I thought, these guys can still play.

Speaking of Lifeson, I left the concert more impressed with his ability than ever before. Rush is known its great musicianship, with Peart getting the lion's share of the credit, and for good reason--he's probably the best rock drummer ever. Likewise, Lee has gotten many props for his bass playing over the years. Lifeson seems to get lost in the shuffle. But on this night I thought he owned the show, playing some tremendous solos and riffs, switching effortlessly between acoustic guitars and lutes and other stringed instruments back to his electric, all while distorting and changing with a mass of petals at his feet. He was into it and on top of his game.

Overall, I must say that Lee, Lifeson, and Peart remain the most talented musicians that I have ever seen in concert. Iron Maiden is my favorite band, and I've seen dozens of other acts, but no one can play like Rush. Monkey Business and later YYZ were a stunning reminder of their talent. It never ceases to amaze how a three-man act can produce such amazing music. Peart did his usual virtuoso solo, and even my wife--a casual fan of Rush at best--was floored.

The only annoying bit of the night was the dork behind me who insisted on yelling out all of the upcoming song titles right at the end of the previous song, serving as a serious spoiler since I hadn't checked the set list prior to the show. I do miss the pre-internet days when concert setlists were hard to find and you often went in blind. I felt like turning around and telling him (in an extremely sarcastic voice,) "Geez, you must be a fucking psychic!"

Just today I found myself listening to Rush in my car again, cranking up Presto, one of my favorite albums. While I might not feel the same personal connection to their music, I did find myself enjoying it for the incredible musicianship and artistry. And you know what? That's good enough for me.

Long live Rush!

My top 10 favorite heavy metal vocalists of all-time

Heavy metal as I see it: An irregular series about the highest form of music known to man.

I love heavy metal for many reasons, not the least of them the great singers. Metal's best frontmen--the Bruce Dickinsons, Rob Halfords, and the Ronnie James Dios--are insanely gifted vocalists whose voices soar operatically above--or brutally crush underfoot --the digitally-enhanced, studio-made, lightweight pop singers of today. I've definitely suffered some hearing damage over the years blasting these guys on my car radio, but you know what? It was worth it.

So who is the best heavy metal singer of all time? Everyone has their own opinion, but following are 10 that I believe epitomize the power, grandeur, range, and rage that define the very essence of heavy metal. I've included a clip from Youtube depicting a great vocal performance from each, so click through and decide for yourself.

1. Rob Halford, Judas Priest: Currently I have Rob Halford of Judas Priest ranked at no. 1, but depending on what day of the week you ask me, any of the "big three" are interchangeable in the top slot. Halford is so damned amazing. The clip from Youtube is a live performance of The Sentinel. Halford is not just singing here, but his voice is a literal instrument, a glass-shattering sound from another, futuristic dimension in which the Sentinel lives. It sends chills down your spine: http://youtube.com/watch?v=AgCe56T4HxU

2. Bruce Dickinson, Iron Maiden: Bruce has tremendous range, and while he may not pack the ethereal scream of Halford at his best, he has, for my money, the best sounding "metal" voice. It's strong and powerful and epic, and he hasn't lost a step with the passing of the years. In fact, I think he's singing much better now than he was at the tail end of his days with Maiden pre-split. Here's an early rendition of a live performance of Maiden's best song, Hallowed be thy Name, which captures the incredible strength and soaring heights of the "air raid siren": http://youtube.com/watch?v=7vP2hFFV57E

3. Ronnie James Dio, Black Sabbath/Dio: Dio's voice (and his lyrics) are the soundtrack of a Dungeons and Dragons game: He has a voice like an evil sorcerer in a fantasy opera, and its powerful and stirring to boot. I can't argue with those who think he's the best metal singer of all time. Here he is singing one of my favorites, Die Young, with Black Sabbath: http://youtube.com/watch?v=hA9d9sSWFRA

4. Geoff Tate, Queensryche: At his peak, Tate could hit notes like no one else, save perhaps Halford. He's an opera singer turned metal. Take Hold of the Flame showcases his considerable talent and that opening note (you know the one) remains an absolute marvel: http://youtube.com/watch?v=uUrnCLWqmzA

5. Tobias Sammet, Edguy: It's too bad Edguy isn't better known, especially over here in the United States. Sammet is a throwback to the Helloween/King Diamond school of metal singers, hitting impossibly high octaves with an ease that's scary: http://youtube.com/watch?v=SPI9fa-Rbow&feature=related

6. Hansi Kursch, Blind Guardian: Although more well-known than Edguy, Blind Guardian is also no household name, but with Kursch at the helm they deserve to be. Kursch can do it all, from powerful, angry, high speed metal to glorious, bardic, medieval hymns. Check this out: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pQDt7dP3Ksk&feature=related

7. Eric Adams, Manowar. Adams has a voice made for power metal and songs about dragons and warriors. Very clean, very powerful, epic, and the guy can scream with the best of them, too. Here's a good example of his considerable ability: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzJxP3Bh-eo

8. Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath. Sure, he's a running joke now and his voice is completely shot, but Ozzy had one of the most distinctive and coolest-sounding "metal" voices in the business back in the 70's and 80's. He did great work on all the old Sabbath albums, and here's one of my favorites: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBsJjVS8aPA

9. Phil Anselmo, Pantera. Anselmo is very different than any of the singers above and is definitely not a classic/power metal type singer. He's all rage and emotion, but its positively contagious and damned effective in getting fists and heads banging: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONZ9bL2WGBE&feature=related

10. James Hetfield, Metallica (pre Black Album): I know, I know. Hetfield is not a great singer and is out of his class on this list. But I think he was the perfect singer for early (pre 1991) Metallica, back when they were a very, very good band. For example, I can't imagine anyone else singing Welcome Home (Sanitarium): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WElvEZj0Ltw

So there you have my top 10. Some honorable mentions include Glenn Danzig and Dave Mustaine, who could have made the list on another day.

Footnote: If you Google "Best heavy metal singers," this top 100 list by Hit Parader comes up. This is among the worst pieces of garbage I've ever read, and again proves the point that the vast majority of music journalists and critics don't have a clue regarding heavy metal. And this was released in 2006! I mean, David Bowie? Eddie Vedder? Steven Tyler? Freddie Mercury? Steve Perry? By anyone's definition with half a clue, these guys are NOT METAL.

...Rod Stewart at no. 60?

Someone at Hit Parader needs to be punched dead in the face. I'm tempted to believe that this is some big jest, a cheap way to get fans stirred up. Heck, I'd buy the magazine just to burn it.

Iron Maiden: Old guard still the vanguard of heavy metal

A review of Iron Maiden at the Comcast Center in Mansfield, MA, Friday, June 20.

This was the second time I've seen the gods of metal on their "Somewhere Back In Time" tour, which features a setlist and stage show from Iron Maiden's golden years (roughly 1982-92). Once again, they kicked major ass, despite some problems with the sound (see below). Maiden continues to wave the flag for heavy metal and are the epitome of showmanship and professionalism. May they continue to wave the Union Jack--and the Heavy Metal standard--for years to come.

Iron Maiden did not change its setlist (you can read my prior review here), so I won't spend a lot of time on the review of the show, which more or less replicated the former show. There were a few more stage effects this time, including a giant mummy Eddie that emerged from an oversized golden Pharoah mask. Good stuff.

Friday's show was not sold out, which was a disappointment, but it was probably at 85% capacity. Even better was the large number of younger fans I saw walking around, mixed in with the older dudes like me. It does my heart good to see so many teenagers latching on to Maiden this late in their still prolific careers. Iron Maiden is and remains the best heavy metal band of them all, and I hope these youngsters appreciated seeing greatness before their eyes. This was the eighth time I've seen Maiden and I still get giddy like a schoolgirl every time.

One other bit of good news from the show: Bruce Dickinson announced that the band would be back again for a future tour in support of a new album. He said that the band was planning to hit the recording studio after this tour. This was good and surprising news for two reasons:

1. Good: Iron Maiden could retire any time they choose, and I still hold my breath with each studio release, fearing it may be their last. However, Maiden is still producing incredible material, so why should they stop? I'm a huge fan of all three of their last releases (Brave New World, Dance of Death, A Matter of Life and Death), and they remain creatively fresh and vital and on top of their game.

2. Surprising: I thought Maiden's plan all along was to do three tours in support of each of their "periods": The early years (Iron Maiden through Piece of Mind, which they did as part of the Ozzfest bill in 2005), the middle years (this tour), and their later material. But perhaps their next tour will highlight the new album and be supplemented with material post Fear of the Dark. Time will tell, I suppose. I frankly would love this, although I know there's a sizable and stupid percentage of Maiden's fan base that would prefer that they play only 80's songs.

The sound
One more disappointing detail: Friday's show was unfortunately marred by poor sound, a fact confirmed by a second reviewer from The Boston Herald. When I saw Maiden at the Izod Arena in New Jersey back in March the sound was a good deal superior. The sound at the Comcast Center was muddled and Dickinson's mike was much too low in the mix. It improved as the night wore on, but it took way, way too long.

Frankly, there's no excuse for this. To the assholes who performed the sound checks for Maiden in Mansfield: You suck, and please return the pay you received for your day's work. Back in the old days guitar techs would come out and actually play (imagine that!) to make sure the sound was correct and mixed properly; however, never once did I hear a single instrument played before Maiden took the stage on Friday night, and it showed. People pay big bucks for concert tickets and often wait years to see their favorite bands, so there's no excuse for extended periods of poor sound.

More ridiculousness: $8 beers? $35 t-shirts? Outrageous. At the risk of sounding like the old man from The Simpsons, back in my day t-shirts were $20, and beers were $3.50! Some of the t-shirts had great artwork, and I would have sprung for one except for the price tag. I just couldn't make myself buy a piece of clothing that would fade to a pale grey, shrink to the size of a postage stamp, and begin to disintegrate after three washings.

Iron Maiden--the true kings of metal

Heavy metal as I see it: An irregular series about the highest form of music known to man.

In a heavy metal steel-cage death match involving every heavy metal band that ever was, Iron Maiden would win.

The following essay is my explanation of why I believe Iron Maiden is the best metal band of all time, better even than Black Sabbath and Judas Priest. Against some stiff competition, Maiden would emerge from this epic fight of metal heavyweights bloodied and bruised, but victorious, standing atop the heap as the most consistent and best metal band of all time.

Iron Maiden is my top pick not only for the soaring heights of their peak, classic albums (which include Number of the Beast, Piece of Mind, Powerslave, Somewhere in Time, and Seventh Son of a Seventh Son), or for their groundbreaking punk/metal fusion early albums with then-vocalist Paul DiAnno (Iron Maiden, Killers), but for the amazing music they're still putting out today, slightly lesser known but terrific titles like Brave New World, Dance of Death, and A Matter of Life and Death. Greatness is measured in many ways, and one yardstick is longevity. All three of these latter critically acclaimed albums came out after 2000, in Maiden's fourth decade. Maiden is still as creatively fresh and vital as they were in the mid 80's.

In this regard, Maiden has it all over Black Sabbath, whose classic self-titled debut, Black Sabbath, came out in 1970, but whose last great album was 1982's Mob Rules. A great 13-year run, but not nearly as good as Maiden. Likewise, Judas Priest has put out exactly one good album (2005's Angel of Retribution) in the last 17 years. Harsh, but true.


...close, but no cigar for Sabbath, Priest


Black Sabbath is the popular choice in most "best of" heavy metal polls, but I think a huge part of the reason is simply because Sabbath was first on the scene. Their self-titled debut is generally regarded as the first pure metal album, and as pioneers they deserve incredible respect and suitable props. And I'll also admit that Tony Iommi might be the best metal guitarist ever--not necessarily for technical ability, but for his unique sound and amazing riffs.

No one can doubt that classic sabbath albums Black Sabbath, Paranoid, Master of Reality, and Sabotage are the very essence of metal, or that the very names of Black Sabbath/Ozzy Osbourne aren't inextricably linked to the public perception of heavy metal. When you say 'heavy metal,' the mind immediately conjures up the classic Sabbath lineup, pounding out the headbanging "Paranoid."

But Sabbath hasn't put out a decent album in 26 years, and there's too much water under the bridge now. They hit with a hammer impact that will last forever, but ultimately, their window of greatness closed too quickly and their catalog is a bit too thin. Plus, to be honest, Ozzy has tarnished his legend with his recent buffoonery on and off-stage, and even at his peak was nowhere near the talent of a Bruce Dickinson or Rob Halford. So while Black Sabbath started it all and set the ball in motion, they've since been surpassed.

Judas Priest is the other true contender to the throne. In fact, like Maiden I think Priest is also better than Sabbath. Like Sabbath, Priest pre-dates Maiden, arriving on the scene well before Steve Harris and co. with 1974's Rocka Rolla. While Maiden was still kicking around in clubs, Priest laid the foundations of the genre with some seminal albums, including 1976's Sad Wings of Destiny, 1977's Sin After Sin, and 1978's Stained Class. Although these albums aren't among my favorites, they contain some great songs.

Arguably, guitarists K.K. Downing and Glenn Tipton are better than classic Maiden counterparts Dave Murray and Adrian Smith. And you can even argue that Rob Halford is (or at least was) a better singer than Bruce Dickinson. But I'll leave the best metal vocalist of all-time discussion for another day. Priest has also written some of all-time metal classics like You've Got Another Thing Comin', Breaking the Law, The Sentinel, The Green Manalishi, Beyond the Realms of Death, and much, much more.

But Priest has some flaws that drop it a notch below Maiden. Most notable is a very uneven discography, noteworthy for its soaring heights of greatness interspersed with some real lows. For every Screaming for Vengeance and Defenders of the Faith there's a Point of Entry and a Ram it Down. Then there's Turbo, which (although I like this album), is pretty much regarded as a sell-out. I love Priest, they're an all-time great, but selling out is something Maiden never did.

Priest put out its last great album in 1990 (Painkiller, one of their best) but then spent 15 years in the basement, releasing a few forgettable albums with an unremarkable singer (Tom "Ripper" Owens). When Rob Halford rejoined the band Priest pulled itself together with a very respectable release, 2005's Angel of Retribution. But while good, it's not in the same class as any of Maiden's albums after the reunion with Bruce.

Thus, Maiden wins out over Black Sabbath and Judas Priest in consistency and longevity.

But more than years of service, Maiden wins out for its a unique combination of musical ability, showmanship, songwriting talent, and great marketing. Musically, Steve Harris is a terrific bassist and Dave Murray and Adrian Smith are vastly underrated guitar players with a number of great solos to their credit. I don't know a damned thing about drumming (other than Neil Peart is God) so I can't comment on Nicko McBrain. But of course, Bruce Dickinson is in anyone's list of great vocalists and is arguably the best ever.

Maiden can write fast, fist-pumping songs (Aces High, The Trooper), sing-along concert hits (Run to the Hills, Fear of the Dark, Two Minutes to Midnight), soaring epic tracks (Revelations, Hallowed Be Thy Name, Ancient Mariner, Paschendale), and everything in between. They have metal's most recognizable mascot (Eddie) and classic album covers and artwork. Dickinson is an absolute marvel on stage, even at 50, and their stage shows/props are great.

Of course, Maiden isn't perfect. 1990's No Prayer for the Dying marked the start of a downhill slide that hit bottom with the Blaze Bayley-fronted albums The X Factor and Virtual XI. But they've rebounded hugely this decade with new great music and they continue to sell out arenas worldwide as I type. What else need I say? Maiden is the best.

...and the honorable mentions

In my opinion no other metal band can even be mentioned in the same breath as The Big Three. But here are some other honorable mentions, veterans of the metal wars that garner a lot of respect (or at least did at one point in their career):

Metallica. This band was serious contender for six great years. Seriously, between Kill 'em All, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppers, and And Justice for All, the metal sceptre was within their grasp. But sorry, four great albums--and they were great--ain't gonna cut it in this contest. The black album was the start of the downhill slope, and it's been shit ever since. A major sell-out and a major disappointment, Metallica is a study in how the mighty can fall hard.

Dio/Ronnie James Dio. Dio is awesome, and was responsible for (in my opinion) Sabbath's best album, the post-Ozzy Heaven and Hell. Dio went on to a fine solo career with albums like the immortal Holy Diver, but his is also a career marked with a lot of mediocrity.

Blind Guardian. Another awesome band, Blind Guardian is the reigning king of fantasy-based power metal (beating out Manowar in this regard, IMO). If they arrived on the scene 10 years earlier they'd be in the running.

Pantera. This great thrash band with a respectable career, but a dozen years (1990's Cowboys from Hell through 2000's Reinventing the Steel) isn't long enough to put them anywhere near the running. Arguably they held the throne for one year with 1992's Vulgar Display of Power, but they haven't done a damned thing since Reinventing the Steel.

Megadeth. Another very good metal band, Megadeth flirted with greatness circa 1985-90 with three very good albums (Peace Sells...But Who's Buying?, So Far, So Good, So What, and Rust in Peace). But overall, a great light-heavyweight that lacks the clout of the big boys.

Anthrax. A lesser version of Megadeth. Scott Ian would be the first to admit that Anthrax, despite fielding a couple great thrash albums (Among the Living, State of Euphoria), is not as talented nor as influential as the other bands on this list.

Slayer. Slayer is a great metal band, with some all-time classics, and earn points for their longevity (they're still putting out respectable albums). Reign in Blood, South of Heaven, and Seasons in the Abyss should be in any metal fan's collection. But Tom Araya is not in the same ballpark as Dickinson, Halford, Dio, and other greats. Slayer is limited by the restrictions of the thrash/speed metal genres and Araya's limited vocal ability.

Manowar. This lovable, sword-wielding bunch of maniacs may be the self-proclaimed metal kings, and have some great albums and kick-ass songs to lend support to that lofty title, but they are also rather silly.

Queensryche. This band's path parallels that of Metallica to an eerie degree. Queensryche is (or was) an incredibly talented band whose premier album (Operation Mindcrime) should make any self-respecting metal fan's top 10 list of favorite albums. They also have some other classic material (Rage for Order, The Warning) that, up until 1990 or so, put them on or near the same plane as the other metal greats mentioned above. Then came The Crash, and I'll be kind and leave it at that.

If you've gotten this far and are wondering where bands like Led Zeppelin, KISS, and AC/DC are, you best stop looking and do a little more research. Folks, let's set one thing straight--KISS, AC/DC, and their ilk are hard rock, not metal. It's not that I don't like KISS and AC/DC--I love them, in fact, but metal they ain't. That goes for Deep Purple too.

And sorry MTV, you don't know shit about metal and you never will. I mean, look at this heinous list--Maiden fourth, behind Metallica? That's about all you need to know about the veracity of MTV as an authority on metal (or any form of music, for that matter).

The Rime of the Aging Metalhead: A review of Iron Maiden in East Rutherford, 3/14/08

(Photo caption: From left to right, Dan, 29, Scott, 36, and 34-year-old me flash devil horns and metal faces while carrying home-baked muffins, cookies, and ear plugs).

An alternative name for my March 14, 2008 review of Iron Maiden at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, NJ might as well be called "Confessions of an Aging Heavy Metal Fan."

This was the seventh time I've seen the Gods of Metal and the two guys with whom I attended the show were both Maiden virgins (readers of The Silver Key will recognize Scott from "Scott's thoughts,", a post which landed him instant celebrity in his own mind). I'm proud to say I was with them as they broke their Maiden cherry. The photo I've embedded here is of the three of us before we headed out the door with metal in our hearts and baked goods in our hands.

While I'm not that old (34, to be exact) we had a good laugh that night at how much the concert experience has changed over the years. At past metal shows my friends and I have been known to pick up a 30-pack of beer beforehand and pound 6-8 beers in the parking lot. The object of course is to get buzzed, act a bit stupid, and save a few bucks on the ridiculously overpriced beer in the arena.

But times have changed. At my request, I brought my first pair of earplugs to the show courtesy of Scott. I've never worn hearing protection to a concert, but after my last show (Queensryche at the Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino, a small and very loud club) I had trouble hearing for four days afterwards, which left me a bit nervous that the ringing would continue forever. I've put my ears under a lot of duress over the years at many heavy metal shows and this time I decided to take appropriate countermeasures.

In and of themselves the earplugs weren't that bad, but combined with the next item--a batch of home-baked chocolate chip cookies in a ziplock bag, lovingly packed by Scott's wife--we had officially crossed the line from uncool to completely lame. The three of us joked about trying to smuggle the cookies into the show and getting busted by security ("Sir, you'll have to check those at the door. Cookies of any sort are not allowed in the Izod Center") but we opted for discretion over valor and left them in the car. You can see the offending cookies in the picture above, as well as my blue earplugs. Ah well. On to the review.

To begin with, I was shocked to see that Izod was sold out. Reportedly this place seats 20,000, and while some seats are blocked out for concerts, it was, in fact, sold out. We had nosebleed seats and a fine view of the whole arena, and there were no empty seats. Not a bad turnout for a heavy metal band with roughly 30 years under its belt. It's another testament to the enduring legacy of Iron Maiden and heavy metal as a genre of music, critics be damned.

Iron Maiden is, in my humble opinion, the greatest heavy metal band of all time and this show again reaffirmed why. This tour showcased three of Maiden's best and most popular albums from their "golden" period (Powerslave, Somewhere in Time, Seventh Son of a Seventh Son), which made up the bulk of the setlist and the backdrops/props on the stage. The setlist was as follows:

Introduction (Transylvania/Churchill's speech)
Aces High
2 Minutes to Midnight
Revelations
The Trooper
Wasted Years
The Number of the Beast
Run to the Hills
Rime of the Ancient Mariner
Powerslave
Heaven Can Wait
Can I Play With Madness?
Fear of the Dark
Iron Maiden

Encore
Moonchild
The Clairvoyant
Hallowed Be Thy Name

Overall, its a great setlist and one for which I have only minor complaints. I would have much preferred another song or two off Somewhere in Time, an album that always seems to get the short-shrift by Maiden. Stranger in a Strange Land, Sea of Madness, or Alexander the Great would have been appreciated. Also, Can I Play With Madness, a good, catchy song on CD, simply does not come across well in concert and it again garnered little fan reaction. I would have preferred my favorite track from Seventh Son, The Evil that Men Do, in its place, but Maiden has played the heck out of that song in concert so I can't complain too much.

Maiden sounded awesome (no surprise there), the stage looked great, and Bruce was again in top form, both vocally and physically. Bruce is just about to hit 50 and yet he flies around like a man half his age. He was also having a great time and had no angry rants or disparaging remarks as he's occasionally want to do in concert. He commented that the band was here back in 1985 playing to a sold-out crowd, and here it was, 23-odd years later, with another sold-out show. Again, amazing.

Highlights for me included the following:

The Introduction. Transylvania really gets the heart pounding, and nothing beats hearing 20,000 or so fans in speaking along in unison with Winston Churchill during his famous Battle of Britain speech. The place exploded when Maiden ripped into Aces High.

Moonchild. Dave Murray brought out his acoustic guitar for the "Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Ways to Win," lead-in, and he and Bruce hammed it up a bit. Very nice touch, and the rest of the song kicked ass as well.

Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Hearing this live was worth the price of admission alone. Maiden broke out the smoke effects and lowered the lights circa Live After Death for a great visual look. Bruce lurked about the stage in some sort of a black cloak and really nailed this one vocally, Steve shined on bass, and the band positively exploded with force after the slow, melodic break in the middle of the song. I had chills after this one.

Powerslave. Another song that was great live, Dave ripped through a great solo in the middle, and best of all Bruce broke out the Horus "owl" mask circa Live After Death. An amusing and fun old-school touch.

The Trooper. Bruce wearing the British cavalryman's coat and waiving the union jack will never get old.

Some other funny tidbits from the show:

Fathers and sons (and daughters). Maiden has now been around long enough that longtime fans (myself included) have settled down with families and children. I saw at least 8-10 dads with youngsters as we walked into the show and more inside, some as young as 7-8 years of age. A bit young in my opinion to bring to a loud metal show and I hope these dads were packing ear protection for their kids. Bruce commented about seeing generations of fans in the audience and it certainly was true.

Guy with mullet and leather pants. Crowd watching is always a fun part of attending metal shows, and the best/oddest sight was a guy in his late 4os/early 50's with a full-blown greying mullet and leather pants. He looked like he stepped out of a Whitesnake video and into the New Jersey night.

Guy with Manowar backpatch. In a night with many denim jackets with backpatches and buttons, this was the best of the lot. I give the guy credit for having the balls to wear this, but the question I continue to ponder is: Do these people wear this stuff outside of metal concerts, or do they keep the acid-washed jeans and black leather vests in mothballs until metal shows roll through? Half of me wanted to high-five the guy for sticking to his guns and wearing a rhinestone-studded Manowar back-patch in public, but the other half of me felt like telling him that 1985 was a long, long time ago.

In the end I managed to somewhat shake the old fogey image, buying two beers (at $7.25 each) and leaving the earplugs in my pocket. I didn't wind up needing them as it wasn't that loud. But don't tell my wife, she'll kill me.

And I'll be damned if those cookies didn't taste like manna from heaven on the way home. The only thing missing was the milk.

WHOA-OA! Run from the valley of the evil witch

Here's a nifty little Web site that should bring a grin to fans of the immortal Ronnie James Dio: The Ronnie James Dio Lyric Generator.

Give it a try (that's how I got the title of this post) and let me know what the power of the Ronnie James Dio Lyric Generator conjured up for you.

Presenting...Scott's thoughts

So a couple weeks back, I happened to e-mail a buddy of mine named Scott (last name withheld to protect the innocent) with the news that I started a blog. His reaction was:

"Hey, that's interesting. What the hell is a blog?"

Then, after I explained to him what a blog is (basically a place to blow gas online), and he read through some of my posts, he said, "Hey, I'm still not quite sure what a blog is but I have to say you must have a tremendous amount of time on your hands. Maybe you could help out around the house more. Your writing is very impressive though. You should write a book or something. Maybe Fantasy for Dummies. Or The idiots guide to living in your mothers basement."

Eventually he came around to the idea of blogs and asked if I could post something he wrote. So without further ado, I present to you, Scott's thoughts. And if you like them (or would like to let him have it for slagging KISS), please let him know.

And Scott, I'm still waiting for that post about The Kipper.

Top 3 Arnold movies
1. Conan: Gay as it sounds, you can't keep your eyes off of him. James Earl Jones as a snake is cool too.
2. Predator: The quotable lines are endless. We spent months quoting this in college
3. Terminator: Arnold is such a bad ass in this movie

Top 3 Stallone movies
1. First Blood: Great story. Brian Denahey is awesome
2. Cliffhanger: Fantastic climbing sequences. Lithgow is great bad guy
3. Rocky III: I know part 1 is a better movie but I want fight scenes. You get Thunderlips and two Mr. T fights

Top 3 Metal albums
1. Operation--Mindcrime: I don't listen to it as I use to but this one blew me away when I first heard it in college
2. Tyranny of Souls: Dickinson's best solo work. Maiden should kick out Janick Gers and get Roy Z
3. Any Kiss album: I honestly can't tell one song from the next. They are all equally terrible

Heavy metal and the frauds that abandoned it

Heavy metal as I see it: An irregular series about the highest form of music known to man.

Today marks the start of a semi-regular series of posts I plan to write about heavy metal, the greatest genre of music ever recorded (in my opinion, of course, and my opinion may well be flawed and for crap). I've chosen to call this first entry "Heavy metal and the frauds that abandoned it" because there's something I've wanted to get off my chest for a long, long time--circa 1992 or so, I'd say. (Note that from here on out, this is the "angry me" talking.)

Here it is: Grunge sucks, it always has sucked, and it always will suck. It's a fraudulent genre of music, from Pearl Jam and Nirvana and Alice in Chains all the way down. In hindsight, it and its spawn will be remembered, if at all, as a very tiny, very lousy asterisk in music history, a nadir of creativity, right down in the cellar with other fads like disco and breakdance music.

There, I said it.

Why am I so pissed off about grunge? Need you ask? Well, its not for the reason you might think.

As everyone knows by now, Nirvana's Nevermind, released in September of 1991, basically sounded the death knell for metal (or, at least metal as a mainstream form of music). Nirvana and the grunge scene stuck a lancet into metal's bloated rear-end, and more specifically, the careers of a host of phony "hair metal" bands (Poison, Warrant, Winger, etc.). These hair bands grew fat, making money like blood-sucking parasites off of the careers of legit, talented metal bands (e.g., Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Slayer, etc.), while serving to undermine metal as a legitimate form of music. But I'll save that rant for another day.

But that's not why I'm pissed. Not really. Metal was getting stale and bloated and frankly, needed a good kick in the pants, and Nirvana provided that boot at a good time.

What I am pissed off at are the legions of "fans" that abandoned heavy metal at this time and chose to throw in their lot with grunge. And from someone who spent four years in college watching this mass exodus up close and personal, believe me, the defection happened. It's not sour grapes talking, it was a real, bullshit phenomenon.

Suddenly, metal fans threw out or hid their Dio tapes in boxes in the attic, pulled down their Iron Maiden tapestries, put away their Metallica t-shirts, and more or less pretended as if the whole metal era had never happened. If they did talk about heavy metal, it was with a sneer and a look down their sanctimonious, hypocritical noses at this lesser form of music they had "outgrown." Metal, suddenly, was for losers.

I now have history and truth on my side to prove how wrongheaded these spineless morons were. But lest anyone still harbors any myths about the "purity" and "honesty" of the grunge movement, let me dispel a few myths for you.

Here's what sucks about grunge: everything. The instrumentation (murky, distorted guitars with no artistry or technical style) was awful, the vocals (whining and/or growling, not singing) forgettable, and the look (baggy, tattered pants, ski caps, and plaid shirts) just plain dumb. Most unforgivably of all, the content of the lyrics (annoying, angst-filled themes of alienation, cynicism, and apathy--grow a pair and shut the fuck up, please), is gratingly awful, the stuff of high-school essays. Really, if I want deep, soul-searching lyrics, I'll pick up a poem by John Keats or T.S. Eliot. These guys on their worst day had more to say than Eddie Vedder ever did.

Basically, the whole grunge phase was a pretentious mess, more so because its adherents and practitioners made ceaseless fun of heavy metal while it was going on--all the while stuffed full of more self-awareness and preening pretension than Poison on its worst day. At least Poison never took itself seriously and admitted it was all about getting laid and drinking.

It's a telling sign that metal existed long before, survived during, and has buried and pissed on the grave of the grunge era. Black Sabbath's self-titled first release, generally regarded as the first metal album, debuted in 1970, decades before grunge. When Kurt Cobain blew his head off and Pearl Jam stopped writing relevant albums (both in 1994), metal was still there, albeit underground. Now bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest have re-emerged and continue to tour worldwide and sell albums and fill arenas, while grunge is largely, if not entirely, forgotten (good riddance). The good metal bands had much, much, longer careers, spanning three and four decades in some instances, for a good reason: They're more talented, and that translates into staying power. Grunge has none.

In summary, to the hordes of flannel-wearing jackasses who crowded the bars and dorm rooms in colleges nationwide from roughly 1991 through 1995: How's that working out for you now? I hear that Alice in Chains is playing the local phone booth, and there's plenty of room still available. And to the critic who claimed that Pearl Jam was the next Beatles (I'm not making this up, folks): Not On Their Best Day.

Postscript: I realize that people's tastes change, mature, and grow over their lives. Many people have legitimately moved on from metal. But I also respect people who stick to their guns and don't waver in the wind and latch on to the latest trends for popularity and acceptance's sake. For those fans who stuck with metal through thick and thin, and wave the metal banner proudly even now, I salute you. You are my brothers.